Archive for February, 2013

John Cena: Not (Quite) As Terrible As Everybody Thinks He Is

Due to a recent main event match on Monday Night RAW, there’s been a lot of talk on wrestling websites about John Cena and how much he does or doesn’t suck. I don’t read comments on sites like that, because wrestling fans who comment on shit on the internet are a bunch of fucking retards. Everybody knows how things should be, and any attempt to convince them otherwise are ridiculed and dismissed.

With that in mind, this is my attempt to put into words my opinion of John Cena and whether or not he sucks. I don’t know how many of you are wrestling fans, but generally speaking, unless you’re either a woman or gay dude who’s attracted to Cena, or a child under the age of ten, you probably hate Cena. It’s pretty much just accepted in the wrestling world that John Cena is to be hated. People have their reasons, and are entitled to feel however they wish about him. For my money, however, John Cena is not as bad as he’s made out to be, and I’m going to tell you why.

He can’t wrestle. This, in my opinion, is a horse shit reason to hate Cena. As a wrestling fan, it’s impossible to miss that yes, he is limited in the ring. He can’t do high flying moves, and he has the same move set he always uses, every match. I’m not here to say John Cena is the most talented in-ring performer of all time. I’m not even here to say he’s a good in-ring performer. What I am saying is that he is no worse than average in ring. He’s not nearly as bad as a lot of guys out there, and for people who make the argument that a top guy should be a great performer, I’d like to point out arguably the two biggest wrestling stars of all-time: Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant. You think either of those two were great wrestlers? Hogan’s finisher was a leg drop and he couldn’t sell for shit. At least Cena comes off the ropes for his leg drop. If this is the reason you choose for hating Cena, wake the fuck up. The dude can wrestle. Not particularly well, but not particularly badly either.

He’s being shoved down our throats. Yes, he is. Congratulations on being aware of things that are happening around you. If you opened your eyes a little wider, you’d see that no matter who was the “top guy”, you’d be sick of him by now. The Rock is a part-time worker now. Austin is retired. Wrestling fans were spoiled by those two. For a decade, the WWE had two top guys who were charismatic as fuck and who they’d all tune in to watch every week, regardless of what was going on. But they’re the exception, not the rule. Somebody had to fill their role, and options weren’t exactly endless. Look at the guys who came around when Cena did. Randy Orton? How many times has he been suspended? He’s a liability, and that’s why he’ll never be the guy. Batista? Retired. Lesnar lasted all of what, two years? Look at the other big names who’ve come and gone since Cena came around. Shawn Michaels? Retired. Triple H? Semi-retired/focused on running the company. Kurt Angle? Working for TNA. Edge? Retired. Undertaker? Works one match a year. Kane? Never would have fit in as “the guy”. Jericho? He’s been in and out for almost eight years now. JBL? Retired. John Cena was the answer to the question “Who’s next?” WWE needed somebody to push to sell merchandise and promote the company. He was the best of a bad situation, and he’s been smart enough to not fuck it up. You can hate him for that if you want. Just as long as you admit you’d feel the same damn way about any of the other options WWE had at the time.

His behind-the-scene pull. Of course he has pull there. He’s the top star of the company, the biggest draw. And of course he’s going to use it. If you were the king of the mountain and some asshole came along with designs on taking over and possessing the ability to actually get it done, what would you do? You’d squash him like a fucking bug before he got the chance. Anybody who hates on Cena for this is a moron. Everybody does this. You think Steve Austin went around recruiting people to take his spot? You think he saw the Rock coming up and thought “Yeah, this will be great!”. Fuck no. He shit his pants and started sweating bullets. And that actually makes another argument for me: despite Austin already being the guy, and at the time, not really looking like he was going away anytime too soon, the Rock still managed to rise up. People can talk all they want about the Rock only really coming out when Austin was out injured, but that’s bullshit. The Rock was coming up while Austin was healthy and at the top of his game. If somebody is good enough, they will rise up, regardless of who is or isn’t trying to keep them down. The fact that nobody has even come close to dethroning Cena should tell you exactly what you need to know about the prospects that have come up since he came to power. The closest we’ve come over recently is CM Punk, and it’s not like he’s some young guy who can carry the company for the next ten-fifteen years.

His gimmick. Of all the reasons people hate him, I think this one is the most legit. His gimmick is bullshit. He no-sells every move. Actually, no, that’s not right. He sells the move, but then jumps up three seconds later, perfectly fine. It’s a superman gimmick, essentially. I think it’s fucking stupid, and it should have never happened. I’m not sure how much of it is him, and how much of it is his character, but it’s all retarded either way. I’m not going to defend this one. What I will say is this: how much of the hatred of Cena is at least influenced by this reason? It seems to me like the people who say he can’t wrestle are just saying that because they’re frustrated by the no-selling aspect of the gimmick, but don’t know how to articulate it properly. They see him take a chokeslam one second, then deliver the AA the next and think, “That’s not what’s supposed to happen”. And they’re right. But that doesn’t mean he can’t wrestle. It means he’s just not selling moves. Yes, it’s an aspect of wrestling, but over time and after enough “You can’t wrestle” chants, it turns from ‘Cena doesn’t sell’ to ‘Cena is the most incompetent retarded excuse for a wrestler who’s ever lived’. And it’s bullshit.

That’s why Cena hits a hurricanrana in a match, and everybody blows up. Because it’s not normal. And for one second, everybody remembers Cena actually isn’t the worst wrestler since Giant Gonzalez.

In my opinion, John Cena is this: an average performer with a good look, a frustrating and tired gimmick, and an almost uncanny ability to irritate the shit out of everybody simply by existing. Fifteen years ago, he’s a mid-card guy at best. Probably wins the US championship seventeen times before he retires. Circumstances, the fact that he’s not addicted to pills, and him being extremely durable from a physical standpoint put him in the position he’s in today. On top of that, despite all the hate, he sells a metric shitton of merchandise. And when he’s in a match, listen to the crowd. No matter who he’s wrestling, the only chants you hear are “Let’s go Cena” and “Cena sucks”. He gets a sustained, thunderous reaction, positive or negative, and that’s more than you can say for pretty much everybody else.

The point is this: Cena isn’t as bad as most make him out to be. ‘Blinded by hatred’ fits here. He’s not as good as his fans make him out to be either, I’m sure, though I can’t say I know any real Cena fans. Despite the fact he’s been the top guy for almost a decade now, people can’t seem to accept the fact their boos mean nothing. He’s here to stay until he retires. Your boos actually help him more than they hurt. As long as you’re booing, he’s going to keep getting the biggest reaction of everybody. And as long as he keeps doing that, he’s going to stay on top. Just remember that.

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