Inside My Head – Part 2

Arrogance. I am an arrogant person. I’ve never tried to hide that. Most of the time, high self-confidence is what it comes off as, I think. But I can’t conceal the fact that most of the time, I think I’m better than most people, and people sometimes pick up on that. Maybe it hasn’t come across as clearly to the people on the internet. It’s a lot easier to appear humble on here. Especially since most people would just assume you were lying if you started bragging about something. Or maybe that’s just me.

To be clear, I don’t think I’m the nicest or most knowledgeable person in the world. I don’t think I’m the best writer, or the best at any given thing. But I do believe I could be better at any given thing than any given person. And I can’t not believe that. It’s automatic, a part of me. For instance, I can have a conversation with somebody on a topic that they clearly know more about than me. I would have no issue in admitting that they are more the expert than I am. But a big part of me knows—or believes—that given enough time, I would be better than them.

It’s not conscious. I don’t look at everybody and automatically think they’re an idiot or that what they do is easy or that the knowledge they possess was easy to obtain. I look at them, or listen to them, and a part of me just says “Yeah, I could do better. I could know more”.

Self-confidence isn’t a bad thing. Arrogance cannot, by definition, be a good thing. The line between them is razor thin. I like to think most of the time I’m just a really confident person. But I’ve offended people in the past with my words and actions, and that’s what pushes me out of one category and into the other.

I think what makes my high opinion of myself all the worse is that it’s not entirely devoid of a factual base. I didn’t just wake up one morning and decide everybody sucked but me. I am an intelligent person. I find learning new things incredibly easy. I’ve never scored lower than 170 on an IQ test, and routinely score much higher. I’ve never had the slightest issue when attempting to learn new material. School was so easy for me, it was laughable. I don’t think any of that is a good excuse for being an arrogant fuck, but it is an excuse. Or a reason. Take your pick.

There are some positives to it. Like I said, the difference between self-confidence and arrogance is tiny. Both have pushed me to put myself and my work out there in many situations and have absolutely no fear about what sort of reception I’m going to get. I’ve never thought twice about posting some of my writing. I am one hundred percent aware of what I’m capable of in that field, and self-doubt is just not something that ever creeps in.

Even that is a double-edged sword though. It’s difficult to accept criticism when you think you’re better than the people giving it. I think I’ve often been logical enough to realize when it would be in my best interest to accept that I was wrong. But not always. And I’ve probably suffered for it. I struggle often to see thing from other people’s perspective. It’s not like somebody criticizing me or offering advice makes me angry. I just have a hard time seeing how their way would be better than which way I originally chose. But I try to see their way, and if doing that allows me to see that they’re right, I’m willing to make changes. It’s just that initial aversion that’s a bitch to get past.

And to be clear, there are people who I respect and like whose opinion I will always take into consideration. It’s not as though I believe all people aside from myself are idiots. Just because you value your own opinions and ideas above those of others, doesn’t mean you think those people are stupid. Just not as good as you, in simple terms.

I mention this in another part of this series, but I always place a much higher value on the personalities and intelligence level of the people I consider my friends. I don’t know if it’s conscious or subconscious, but I try to surround myself with people I see to be a better class. Not necessarily smarter, but possessing qualities that, in my eyes, make them worth more or simply better than other people. It would be easy, I think, to surround myself with people I see as inferior, but I’ve never needed the confidence boost some people seem to crave. If a friend makes a suggestion to me, I’m much more likely to consider it than if it came from somebody I don’t know or am only casually acquainted with. My subconscious automatically accepts the suggestion as something at least worth considering because it came from somebody I deemed to be worth listening to. The same goes for the family members I’m closest to, and the women I’m attracted to. Through some mixture of conscious thought and subconscious awareness, I find you better than everybody else, in at least one way and almost certainly multiple ways.

I’m not sure how much of a surprise what I just wrote would be to the people I interact with daily/almost daily on the internet. Like I said, it’s a lot easier to conceal aspects of yourself on here. And I’m not even talking on purpose. I’ve never been one who needs other people’s acknowledgment to reinforce my opinion of myself. So I don’t say a lot of things I could say, the kind of shit that would make it very obvious how I think of myself and how I see others. It sounds bad, but I don’t really give a fuck what the majority of people think of me, so I don’t feel the need to say the things that would make me seem truly arrogant.

A great example of that is a person’s IQ. I don’t like to bring mine up in almost every situation, for several reasons. For one, it is not nearly as simple a matter as most people seem to think. Two, it’s very easy to lie. You can just pick a number, and nobody is going to be able to prove you’re lying. And three, just dropping your IQ into a conversation is a fucking dick move. It’s like that guy who prefaces every argument or debate by saying you should just stop right now because he knows more on the subject than you do. Go fuck yourself, shithead. You see it more often than you should if you frequent any kind of internet forum or site where people interact. There’s always that one jerk-off who likes to throw a high IQ around because he—or she—thinks it’ll impress everybody.

It doesn’t impress anybody who matters. You just end up looking like a fucking douche. Back up your words, motherfucker. Say something intelligent. Make me believe you. A fucking monkey can pick a number out of a book and throw it in people’s faces. That’s all you’re doing. Stop.

Touchy subject for me. I loathe false intellectuals and people who like to brag to every single person they meet about how fucking smart they are. If you’re truly intelligent, you shouldn’t need acknowledgement. You should know it, you should believe it. You shouldn’t need to have random fucking people telling you how great you are every second of every day.

That’s all I got today.


P.S. Thanks for commenting on Part 1, Fang. I appreciate it.

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